Phantoms

When I first entered prison oldtimers, after learning that I had a life sentence, would refer to me jokingly as a "ghost." I had no idea then what they were talking about. Now, years later, I understand what they meant. It's something prisoners learn after years of experience, something you can't convince first-timers of in the beginning, something you can't believe.

After you've been in prison awhile even the people you care about the most slowly, over time, begin to forget about you. Maybe it's because the idea of your imprisonment is too painful for them to bear, so the thoughts of you become more and more infrequent. It's a natural consequence or coping mechanism brought about by an intolerable situation, to begin to unconsciously block out the worries and hurt that interrupt your daily life. An incarcerated individual can often become a cathartic sounding board for a loved one, a safely confined and captive counsel, eliciting the vocalization of all manner of pent-up emotions and concerns, even lies (often regarding money or gifts) if it will make them feel better. We understand this difficult function and accept it. At least we are serving some sort of worthwhile purpose. But even this usefulness ultimately becomes obsolete, the burden too great.

The mind-numbing, monotonous daily routine of imprisonment creates its own senseless "fugue state" of confusion. Removed from normal life, separated from love and companionship, frustrated by inconsistency and pointlessness, guarded against spontaneous violence and hostile misunderstandings, wearied by cruel mistreatments, constant disappointment and barely subsistence living, all conditions leading to despair and hopelessness, you exist like a vapor, moving from moment to moment, conflict to hindrance, meal to meal, phone call to letter, sunrise to sunset, an apparition without purpose or meaning, ineffectual, helpless.

Missionaries with groups from outside ministries tell me that prisoners aren't the only ones living like phantoms in today's stressful world. Many supposedly free people experience similar symptoms, living in prisons of their own construction. Without sincere Christian faith, it seems impossible to survive such a life. God's chosen people wandered the desert for forty years before they reached their ordained destination (Exodus). They were often confused and bewildered. Only their faith and God's providence sustained them. He miraculously directed and delivered them despite their troubles and foolishness. He has also guided and preserved my life to this day, against all odds, through a desolation experience, His word serving as the road map of my own deliverance and Promised Land, as a vessel for the Holy Spirit, raised like Lazarus from the dead. Amen
J. Wallace